a list of stupid things written by an insomniac

I haven't slept yet.

• I wish that I could connect to music with happier lyrics, but whenever I'm listening to sad songs I feel like I'm at home, and when I listen to something hopeful I feel like a fraud.
  
• I've been squandering my talents and worsening my character flaws lately.
  
• I miss my old friends but don't know what to say to them or how to connect to them anymore.
  
• I like staying up all night and sleeping during the day because it enables me to continue isolating myself,
  
• There was this, like, lucid moment of clarity that I had in my life a couple years back that made me realize how out of place I feel.  I was at my aunt's house with my family, just staying quiet and listening to everyone else's conversations like I usually do, and suddenly everything went horribly wrong.  I accidentally stepped on or kicked my aunt's chihuahua. It was nothing serious, but enough to make her yelp out in pain.  Suddenly time stopped for me. I was in the center of a circle of my relatives staring at me and I shut down.  My eyes started tearing up and I couldn't even say a word.  I just needed to leave the entire house and stand outside.  That was the moment I realized that I don't even feel open and at ease with my own family.  The worst part is that I don't even have an excuse to feel this way, because I can recognize that they love and care about me.  Despite that, I continue to live feeling like a cheap real-life knock off of T.S. Eliot's J. Alfred Prufrock.  All this over a dog that was completely fine, alone with the family I've been with my entire life.
  
• I've been running away from participating in life because I feel that I'm not good enough yet and that I need to be better before I begin, which is stupid and impossible.
  
• When I watch T.V. shows and films I form weird emotional fixations on the characters sometimes and feel kind of hollow when I finish them, as if they were my real friends, and I feel like some sort of alien in a skin suit.
  
• It's been 3 summers since I moved to Idaho.  I love this place, but I still haven't made a single friend here.
  
• I'm extremely self-conscious about how whiny and self-deprecating this post is going to sound but I can't run away from myself anymore, and keeping things to myself would just be business as usual.
  
• I want to be a better.
  
• this is the song the blog is titled after: